Caregiver Insights

Wayne Hutchison | November 8, 2022

Being a caregiver for my spouse of 25 years as she battles cancer is my top priority, and a role I take very seriously.  Being at every doctor’s appointment (and taking notes to ensure we have all the information), managing and helping administer over 10 daily medications, and preparing meals for our family are some of the activities that are part of my role.  In our family, there are several other responsibilities that also need attention, and I do my best to give effort to those as well.  Juggling parenting, being a good employee, adulting, and caregiving can be a lot to navigate.  It can be a hard road sometimes.  Patience, grace, and working to achieve balance help, but there are days when it can be challenging to do that.  To help with those feelings, I work on trying to stay in the moment, one day at a time, and trying to not get too far ahead of myself.  I’ve received support and advice from therapists, family, and friends which has helped greatly.  

I have a mantra that has helped me greatly.  I call it, “getting to midnight.”  What that means to me is, whatever happens during the day, I try to stay in the moment, prioritizing what needs to be done, then moving to the next piece, but not focusing on what happened yesterday, or what could happen tomorrow.  When getting ready for bed, I try to leave the day in a positive space, and get to sleep with a clear head, knowing that I did what I could.  As I begin the next day, I work to again be in the moment.  Yesterday is done.  It is time to focus on today and whatever it will bring.  This mindset is new for me, because I have been a worrier at many points in my adult life, spending a lot of time thinking about what could happen, or what has happened, even when I have no control or impact on those outcomes.  With the help of some great advice, a few books, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection, I’m making progress.

I had a transformative conversation with the spouse of a breast cancer survivor, which helped me begin to understand what I can and should focus my energy on, as well as what is within and not within my control.  What happens today, I can work on.  I remember his words often.  “What happened yesterday is done.  What happens tomorrow is not happening today.  And the energy and actions of others are not within your control.  Keep a steady energy and head and focus on what you can control.  Positivity is key.  Keep all negative energy as far away from your family as possible.”  That advice has been a great help to me.  (thank you!)

Asking for help is an important part of my caregiving process.  It’s not easy for me. Historically, I place a lot of value on completing physical tasks like mowing the lawn. Those things can be completed and bring me a sense of satisfaction.  However, trying to do everything myself can lead to burnout and, most recently, some aches and pains. Currently, it’s not possible for me to be doing all the things I used to do in these areas, and I am very thankful for the support we receive from friends, family, as well as the ability to outsource when we can.  Our meal train (folks dropping off dinners or prepped fruits and veggies), DoorDash and UberEats gift cards, and other food support have been a big help. Our Caring Bridge site helps us update all our loved ones and friends at once, which is a huge load off. Repeating the health information can be overwhelming. Getting cards in the mail or kind notes via email, text or messenger keep us motivated, because we know how many people are behind us. 

I’m thankful to friends and family that run errands for us and help with household tasks.  Mowing the lawn, listening to a podcast used to be a good way for me to complete and get some exercise.  Now, hiring that out is giving me back some of that energy to focus on other priorities.  

Self-care has been a piece of caregiving that I struggle with because there’s less time in the day to find for that.  I know if I am not healthy I can’t be a good caretaker, so self care is important. Even 30-minutes a day, walking the dog, watching a show with my spouse, or just relaxing with some music (preferably 90s R & B or 80s pop) can give me the boost I need to move through the day, or cap the day off in a good way before going to sleep.

Come what may, I will do what I can to care for the person I love most in the world.  Some days, I will definitely make mistakes (I call it, “stepping in it,”), and I will do my best to reset, get back on track, and be there in any way I can.
For all caregivers out there, thank you for stepping up and doing what you can to make a difference in the lives of those you care for.  I see you, and I stand beside you in your journeys.  We are all in it togetherB